What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a term often thrown about. I often observe it being used incorrectly. Here is what it means and how to spot it.
Actual Definition: “Using Psychological methods to question one’s own sanity and/or power of reasoning.”
I tend to refer to Gaslighting as Psychological Warfare. It causes a person to feel crazy, doubt their perception or memory, and cultivates a general distrust of themselves. It is emotionally abusive and is a means of control. The intent is to twist or warp another person’s sense of reality. This leads to a person doubting themselves and sometimes assuming blame for things they never did. It
Examples of Gaslighting:
- Doing or saying something and then completely denying that it ever happened. (eg “I never said that. You’re making stuff up.”).
- Doing something abusive and then acting as though the person’s response to the negative event is the issue versus what the person actually did to elicit the response. (eg “You are over-reacting. It isn’t a big deal. etc”).
- Blaming others for one’s personal choices (“I only did that because you did… ). Essentially, this is victim blaming and casting responsibility on the person hurt for the hurt they suffered.
- Reducing sense of worth (“You aren’t capable to do that. You’re so selfish.”).
- Reducing value of what a person does. This leads to feeling nothing one does is ever good enough (“I wish you had done instead…..It would have been better had you did..).
- Making wild accusations without any base or evidence.
Gaslighting can occur in any type of relationship. This means family, friends and romantic. One hallmark feature I coach is finding yourself trying to convince someone you did not do what you did not do, then you are likely being gaslit. It is impossible as any evidence provided will not convince the other person otherwise. They are not really seeking truth in that situation.
If you feel you are in a relationship in which gaslighting occurs, and you are wanting help to set boundaries or leave that dynamics, I invite you to reach out.
